How to Put an End to Sibling Bickering
It makes me want to rip my ears off. Here's what you can do.
Hi everyone! This newsletter is out a day later than I’d hoped. As my paid subscribers already know, Covid hit our house this week. My husband developed symptoms on Monday and later tested positive, and he’s been in isolation in our guest room ever since. He’s doing just fine, thank goodness, although I’m sure he’s losing his mind. As for me, it’s been exhausting trying to manage the house and kids and husband (we’re trying to isolate to the point where he doesn’t come out to prepare his own food, etc), while working, too. I also lost nearly 20 hours of afternoon childcare this week because, understandably, our babysitter did not want to come into a Covid-infected home. So, yeah, I’m tired, but we are hanging in there, and so far, the rest of us are Covid-free.
Speaking of my paid subscribers: I want to give them all a shout-out here, because we had a truly wonderful (and still ongoing) conversation in Thursday’s weekly subscriber thread. I asked, as I often do, what parenting issues my readers would like me to cover in future newsletters, and they shared all sorts of challenges they were encountering about potty training, school refusal, hitting, competitiveness, kids’ negative self-talk, and more. What I found heartwarming is that the thread morphed into a group therapy / brainstorming session in which there was an outpouring of (quite useful) suggestions and support, and I’m so, so thrilled that that we have cultivated such an empathetic and wise parenting community. It’s helpful for ME, too, in these challenging moments.
Okay, now onto today’s topic, which feels extra relevant given that I’ve been on solo parenting duty for five days. Dear God, my kids bicker. Here’s a snapshot of a typical weekday breakfast in our home:
11yo: Don’t chew with your mouth open.
8yo: I’m not.
11yo: Yes you are.
8yo: No I’m not.
11yo: Yes you are.
8yo: You do it, too.
11yo: No I don’t.
8yo: Yes you do.
…. etcetera, ad nauseam, please kill me now.
I have a chapter in my book on how to handle sibling fights, but I have been at a loss when it comes to managing the constant bickering, which feels different. Less acute, but more constant and omggggg annoying. So I called up two experts I knew would have helpful suggestions: Laurie Kramer, a psychologist at Northeastern University who studies sibling relationships — those of you who’ve read my book may remember her approach for handling acute sibling conflict — and Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, a psychologist in New York and the author of The Tantrum Survival Guide, whom I’ve interviewed many times because she always has clear and helpful advice for managing difficult parenting situations. Here are the tips they shared for handling bickering in the moment and Making. It. Stop.