How to Make Friends as An Adult

Four common myths that make it harder than it has to be

Over the past year, I’ve been leaning a lot into friendship. When my ex and I decided to separate, my friends were my lifeline, helping me process all my feelings. Friends who lived hundreds of miles away were omnipresent on WhatsApp, checking in, offering their perspectives, letting me vent. My local friends invited me over for meals, helped me with house-related things as I adjusted to home ownership as a single lady, and offered to host my kids for playdates.

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but friendships are essential to our well-being. Researchers at Harvard have been conducting a (still ongoing) series of longitudinal studies since 1939 to understand the factors that shape wellbeing and overall physical health throughout life, and they have found that close, deep relationships are strongly linked with happiness. Relationships seem to shape people’s wellbeing more than money, fame, social class, genes, or IQ.

I think having a diversity of friendships is beneficial, too — having friends with different backgrounds, interests, strengths and perspectives. Recently, I joined a choir, and my choir friends are very different from my mom friends. I love that. Also, as many of you know, I adore karaoke, and I’ve been taking myself out to karaoke some nights when I don’t have my kids. In the process, I’ve met some wonderful and interesting characters and have slowly been building new friendships with them, too.

Still, making new friends as a 46-year-old isn’t easy, not least because I’m a shy introvert. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life, actually. Over the years I’ve struggled with social anxiety (though for a long time I didn’t know that’s what it was) — I would tell myself that I’m not interesting enough, or that I’m awkward, and that people don’t actually want to hang out with me. My discomfort has sometimes caused me to come across as aloof, which then caused people to pull away, creating a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Research suggests that as many as one-third of parents are chronically lonely. So how can we overcome our fears and loneliness and make new friends?

A couple of years ago, I had the great fortune of hearing psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco speak at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association. Franco is the author of the book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Make You Make—And Keep—Friends. She admitted that she, too, has had trouble making friends throughout her life, and that she decided to dig into the science of friendship to help her, and others, find connection. I shared some of her key insights in my newsletter soon after I saw her speak, but I think they are worth sharing again. Here are the four key myths she shared about companionship as well as simple research-based advice for making friends.